Avoiding Conflict in Friendships: Why You Do It and How to Stop
You know the drill. Your friend makes a “joke” at brunch that stings. You notice you’re always the one texting first to make plans. You agree to spend your Saturday doing something you don’t really want to do because you don’t want to seem difficult.
Then you walk away from the interaction feeling drained, resentful, and maybe even questioning yourself: Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go?
If you’ve been avoiding conflict in your friendships, you’re not alone. Many of my therapy clients deal with high-functioning anxiety, people-pleasing, and fear of confrontation — especially with the people they care about most. Avoiding the hard stuff can feel safer in the moment, but over time it can create distance, misunderstanding, and a sense of disconnection.
What Conflict Avoidance in Friendships Really Looks Like
Avoiding conflict doesn’t always mean big, obvious silences. It often shows up in subtle ways that you’ve learned to rationalize as “no big deal.”
It might look like:
Laughing along with a joke that actually hurt your feelings
Ignoring patterns where you’re the one initiating all the plans
Saying “yes” to something you don’t want to do just to keep the peace
Replaying conversations for days afterward, wishing you’d spoken up
Telling yourself “it’s not worth it” to speak up when something clearly bothered you
Sound familiar? These patterns are common, especially if you’ve been conditioned — through family dynamics, relationships, or social norms — to prioritize others’ comfort over your own authenticity.
Why We Avoid Conflict with People We Care About
Learned in Childhood
If you grew up in a home where conflict was unsafe, emotions were dismissed, or love felt conditional, you might have learned early on that keeping others happy was the safest path.
Fear of Loss or Rejection
Speaking up can feel risky when you deeply value the friendship. The fear of damaging the relationship can outweigh your own need to be heard.
High-Functioning Anxiety and People-Pleasing
If you live with high-functioning anxiety, you might constantly scan for potential conflict and take preemptive steps to avoid it. This can turn into chronic people-pleasing — doing what you think will keep others happy at the expense of your own needs.
Cultural and Social Pressure
Many of us were taught — directly or indirectly — that “good friends” are easygoing, agreeable, and always available. In cities like New York, where relationships can be fast-paced and social calendars are packed, the pressure to be “low-maintenance” can be even higher, even as things like financial divides (high brunch bills, expensive outings, etc.) and roommate issues in small spaces get amplified by the nature of the city.
The Hidden Costs of Avoiding Conflict
While staying silent might keep things comfortable in the short term, it comes with a price:
Growing Resentment – The more you swallow your feelings, the heavier they get.
Imbalance in the Friendship – When effort is one-sided, the relationship stops feeling mutual.
Loss of Authenticity – You show up as the version of yourself that’s easiest for others, not your whole self.
Increased Anxiety – Every unspoken frustration becomes one more thing you’re holding in.
Erosion of Self-Worth – You start to wonder if your needs even matter.
And here’s the thing: your friend might have no idea anything is wrong. From their perspective, you’re fine with the dynamic — because you’ve never told them otherwise.
How Therapy Can Help You Speak Up
If you’ve been searching for anxiety therapy in New York, help setting boundaries in relationships, or how to communicate better with friends, therapy can be a space to work through the patterns that keep you quiet and build the skills to express yourself.
In our work together, we might:
Build your confidence to say what’s on your mind without spiraling for days afterward
Practice the actual words you could use when something feels off
Clarify your values so you know when it’s worth speaking up
Challenge the “just go along with it” instinct that comes from years of people-pleasing
This isn’t about becoming confrontational or “calling people out.” It’s about creating relationships that are honest, balanced, and connected.
Small Steps to Start Practicing Now
Not ready for a big confrontation? You can start small:
Speak up about little things — like where to meet or what time works best.
Use “I” statements — “I felt hurt when…” keeps the focus on your experience.
Pause before saying yes — Give yourself space to decide what you actually want.
Notice your body — Tight shoulders, shallow breathing, or a pit in your stomach can be cues that you’re holding back.
The Bigger Picture
Avoiding conflict might protect you from discomfort, but it also keeps you from real closeness. Speaking up — even in small ways — is what allows friendships to grow stronger over time.
If you’re ready to work on this, therapy can help you move from overthinking to actually having the conversations that matter. Together, we’ll create a plan that feels doable and aligned with your values. Whether we meet virtually or in a focused in-person intensive, my goal is to help you create friendships where you feel seen, valued, and understood — without losing yourself in the process.
Book your free consultation today and start building friendships where you feel seen, valued, and understood.
Hi, I’m Kim Jaso, LMHC
I’m a licensed therapist in New York who specializes in working with anxious, people-pleasing millennial women navigating complicated grief, difficult family dynamics, life transitions, and relationship challenges. If you're considering therapy, I'd be happy to meet with you for a complimentary consultation call to see if we feel like a good fit for your needs.