Rebuild yourself after a breakup that changed everything you thought you knew
The end of a relationship doesn't just mean losing a person—it means losing the future you imagined together. Whether you ended a long-term relationship, broke off an engagement, or are navigating an unexpected split, I offer virtual breakup therapy in New York to help you grieve what you've lost and find your footing again. Serving clients throughout New York City and New York state.
When a Breakup Becomes Your Whole World
You thought you'd be further along by now.
It's been weeks, maybe months since the relationship ended, and you're still waking up with that hollow feeling in your chest. Still checking your phone hoping for a text that won't come, or worse—dreading one that might. Still replaying conversations in your mind at 2am, analyzing every word, wondering if you could have said or done something different that would have changed everything.
Everyone around you seems to think you should be “over it” by now. They mean well when they tell you there are plenty of fish in the sea, or that you dodged a bullet, or that everything happens for a reason. But their reassurances feel empty because they don't understand what you've actually lost.
This wasn't just a relationship that ended. It was a future that disappeared. A version of yourself that no longer exists. An entire life you'd been building toward that suddenly has nowhere to go.
And the hardest part? You're exhausted from trying to appear fine when you're barely holding it together.
If this resonates, you're not alone. Breakup therapy in New York isn't about forcing yourself to move on faster or convincing yourself you're better off. It's about understanding the full scope of what you're grieving, processing it at your own pace, and rebuilding yourself with intention rather than just trying to survive each day.
What Makes Relationship Endings So Complicated
When people think about breakups, they often imagine a clean break—two people who realize they're not compatible and go their separate ways. But that's rarely how it actually feels, especially when the relationship was years long, when you shared a life together, or when the ending came as a shock.
Breakups are complicated forms of grief because:
The person you lost is still alive. Unlike other forms of loss, your ex continues to exist in the world. You might see them on social media, hear about them through mutual friends, or even run into them in your neighborhood. Each encounter can re-trigger the grief, making it feel impossible to fully move forward.
You're mourning multiple losses at once. It's not just the person—it's the daily routines you shared, the inside jokes no one else understands, the plans you made together. You're grieving the future you imagined: the apartment you were going to move into, the trips you'd planned, the family you might have built. You're also mourning a version of yourself—the person you were in that relationship, and the confidence or security you felt when you were part of a "we."
Society doesn't make space for this kind of grief. There are rituals for death—funerals, memorial services, socially sanctioned periods of mourning. But for breakups? You're expected to pick yourself up quickly, maybe take a weekend to cry, then get back to your life. There's no bereavement leave for a broken engagement. No sympathy cards for the relationship that defined your twenties. The invisibility of your loss can make the pain feel even more isolating.
Ambivalence makes everything harder. Unlike death, where there's no going back, breakups live in a gray area. Part of you might want your ex back. Part of you knows it's over. Part of you is relieved. Part of you is devastated. These contradictory feelings can exist simultaneously, making it confusing to know what you actually want or need.
Past losses resurface. If you've experienced other forms of abandonment, rejection, or loss—whether it was a parent who left, a friendship that ended badly, or previous relationships that didn't work out—this breakup might be retriggering all of those old wounds. You're not just processing this loss; you're processing every time you've felt left behind.
This is why breakup therapy goes deeper than advice about "getting back out there" or "focusing on yourself." The work is about understanding the full complexity of what you're carrying.
Why "Just Moving On" Doesn't Work
You've probably tried all the standard breakup advice. Delete their number. Unfollow them on Instagram. Throw yourself into work or hobbies. Go out with friends. Maybe even try dating again.
And yet—you're still stuck. Still replaying what happened. Still wondering if you made the right choice, or if they'll realize what they lost and come back.
Here's what most breakup advice gets wrong: it treats relationship endings like a problem to solve rather than a loss to grieve. It focuses on distraction and forward momentum without acknowledging that you need to process what happened before you can genuinely move on.
The "just get over it" approach often leads to:
Suppressing your feelings instead of processing them. When you try to push down the sadness or anger or regret, it doesn't disappear—it goes underground. You might find yourself people-pleasing in other relationships to avoid feeling rejected again, or developing anxiety about getting close to anyone new. The unprocessed grief finds ways to leak out into your life.
Rushing into another relationship before you're ready. Sometimes the pain of being alone feels unbearable, so you jump into something new hoping it will make you feel better. But if you haven't processed the previous loss, you bring all that unfinished business into the next relationship—comparing your new partner to your ex, looking for red flags everywhere, or unconsciously recreating the same dynamics that didn't work before.
Getting stuck in rumination. Without a framework for understanding your grief, your mind keeps trying to make sense of what happened. You replay conversations endlessly, analyze social media posts for hidden meanings, or construct elaborate narratives about what went wrong. The rumination becomes a way of maintaining connection to your ex, even though it's keeping you stuck.
Losing confidence in yourself. When you can't "get over" a breakup as quickly as you think you should, you start wondering if something is wrong with you. Your self-esteem takes a hit. You question your judgment, your worth, your ability to ever have a healthy relationship. The breakup becomes not just about losing your ex, but about losing faith in yourself.
Breakup therapy offers something different: a space to honor the full complexity of what you've lost while building the skills and understanding you need to genuinely move forward.
The Intersection of Breakups and Identity
One of the most disorienting aspects of a breakup is the way it destabilizes your sense of self.
Think about how much of your identity was wrapped up in this relationship. Maybe you were "the one who was engaged" among your friend group. Maybe you'd started introducing your partner as your future spouse, already thinking ahead to marriage and kids. Maybe you'd moved to a new city for them, changed jobs to accommodate their schedule, or made major life decisions with this relationship as the foundation.
When the relationship ends, all of those identity markers disappear. Suddenly you're not planning a wedding—you're explaining to everyone why the engagement is off. You're not building toward a shared future—you're figuring out where to live and what to do with the furniture you bought together. You're not part of a "we" anymore—you're just you, and you're not even sure who that is.
This identity crisis is particularly intense for women in their late twenties, thirties, and forties who've invested significant time in a relationship. There's often a sense of "lost time"—the years you spent with someone who isn't going to be your person, and the worry that you're now "behind" where you thought you'd be.
You might find yourself asking questions like:
Who am I without this relationship?
What do I actually want, separate from what we wanted together?
How do I make decisions now without running them by someone else first?
What parts of myself did I lose or suppress in the relationship?
Can I trust my judgment after choosing someone who didn't work out?
These aren't just existential questions—they're practical ones that affect every area of your life. In breakup therapy, we explore these questions not to find definitive answers immediately, but to help you reconnect with yourself and start building a sense of identity that isn't dependent on being part of a couple.
"Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve." — Earl Grollman
What Depth-Oriented Breakup Therapy Looks Like
Here's what that actually looks like in practice:
We start by making sense of your story. In our early sessions, I'll want to understand the full arc of your relationship—not just how it ended, but how it began, what drew you together, what felt good about it, what felt hard. We'll explore what this person represented to you, what needs they met (and didn't meet), and what patterns emerged over time. This isn't about assigning blame or deciding who was "right"—it's about developing a coherent narrative that helps you understand what happened.
We explore what you're actually mourning. As we've discussed, you're not just grieving the loss of your ex. You're grieving the future you imagined, the identity you held, the security you felt, maybe even parts of yourself you expressed in that relationship that feel inaccessible now. We'll spend time identifying all the layers of loss so you can process each one rather than lumping everything together into one overwhelming mass of grief.
We work with the rumination and "what ifs." If you're stuck in loops of replaying what happened or wondering what you could have done differently, we'll address that directly. Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), I'll help you learn to acknowledge these thoughts without getting trapped in them. You'll develop the ability to notice when you're ruminating and gently redirect yourself, rather than spending hours down a mental rabbit hole that leaves you feeling worse.
Breakup therapy with me isn't a quick-fix approach. We're not just doing behavioral interventions or cognitive reframing (though those tools have their place). We're doing deeper work—understanding the patterns that brought you into this relationship, exploring what it meant to you beyond the surface level, and helping you process the loss in a way that leads to genuine transformation rather than just temporary relief.
We examine relationship patterns. Often, the relationships we choose and the way they unfold tell us something about our deeper patterns—the ways we learned to be in relationship from our families, the fears or insecurities that influence our choices, the compromises we make without realizing it. In our work together, we'll explore these patterns not to make you feel bad about your choices, but to help you understand them so you can make different ones moving forward.
We address the practical and emotional simultaneously. Breakup recovery isn't just about processing feelings—it's also about navigating the practicalities of post-breakup life. How do you handle running into your ex? What do you do about the mutual friends? How do you manage holidays and events where they might be present? When is it okay to reach out, and when is it healthier to maintain distance? We'll work on both the emotional work of grieving and the practical skills of boundary-setting, communication, and self-care.
We rebuild your sense of self and agency. As you process the loss, we'll also focus on reconnecting you with yourself—your values, your desires, your sense of what you want your life to look like. This is where ACT becomes particularly valuable: clarifying what matters to you and taking committed action toward the life you want to build, even while you're still processing grief. You don't have to wait until you're "over it" to start moving toward what you value.
The work is relational, meaning the therapeutic relationship itself becomes part of the healing process. In a breakup, you've experienced rupture, loss, maybe even betrayal. In our work together, you'll experience consistency, attunement, and safety—a relationship where you can be fully yourself without fear of abandonment or judgment. This becomes a corrective experience that helps you trust yourself and others again.
The Non-Linear Nature of Breakup Recovery
Here's something that might bring you relief: healing from a breakup is not linear, and the timeline for recovery is different for everyone.
You might have a good week where you feel like you're finally moving on, making plans, feeling hopeful about the future. And then something small happens—you hear "your song" on the radio, or you see a couple holding hands, or a friend announces their engagement—and suddenly you're right back in the thick of it, crying in your car or lying in bed unable to move.
This doesn't mean you're not making progress. It means you're human.
Grief comes in waves. Some days the waves are small and manageable. Other days they're tsunamis that knock you off your feet. The goal isn't to eliminate the waves—it's to build your capacity to ride them without being destroyed by them.
In our work together, we'll normalize this non-linear process. We'll explore what triggers the harder days (often they're connected to reminders of the relationship, times when you feel particularly lonely, or moments when you're confronted with the future you won't have). We'll build skills to manage these waves when they come—ways of soothing yourself, reaching out for support, and allowing the feelings without getting swept away by them.
You'll also learn to recognize the subtle signs of progress even when it doesn't feel like you're "over it":
You think about your ex less frequently, or when you do, it doesn't completely derail your day
You can enjoy activities without constantly wishing they were there
You're starting to feel curious about your own life again rather than just focused on the loss
You're able to be alone without feeling panicked about your future
You're setting boundaries and saying no when something doesn't feel right
You're making plans that are about what you want, not what you think you should want
Progress in breakup recovery isn't about reaching some final destination where you never think about your ex or feel sad about what ended. It's about integrating this experience into your life story in a way that doesn't define you but does inform who you're becoming.
Why Relational Therapy Is Essential for Breakup Recovery
The way we do relationships is deeply shaped by our early experiences—how we were loved (or not loved), what we learned about trust and safety, what we internalized about our worth and lovability. These patterns don't exist in a vacuum; they play out in every intimate relationship we have.
When a significant relationship ends, it's an opportunity to examine these patterns—not in a self-blaming way, but with curiosity and compassion. What drew you to this person? What needs were you trying to meet through the relationship? What compromises did you make, and why? What parts of yourself did you suppress or amplify?
This is where relational therapy becomes essential. In our work together, the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a space where we can explore these patterns. You might notice, for example, that you're worried about disappointing me or that you're carefully monitoring my reactions to gauge whether you're doing therapy "right." These same patterns likely showed up in your relationship—the people-pleasing, the anxiety about whether you're enough, the difficulty expressing needs or setting boundaries.
By bringing these patterns into the therapy room and examining them together, you develop insight into how you operate in relationships. More importantly, you experience a different kind of relationship—one where you're not responsible for managing my emotions, where expressing your needs doesn't lead to conflict or abandonment, where you can be messy and uncertain and still be met with acceptance.
This is corrective. After a breakup where you may have felt misunderstood, abandoned, or not enough, experiencing a consistent, attuned relationship with your therapist helps rebuild your trust in connection itself. It shows you that not all relationships are destabilizing, that it's possible to be seen and valued, that you can express yourself authentically without losing the relationship.
This work creates a foundation for healthier relationships in the future—not because you're "fixed" or because you'll never make mistakes again, but because you have a deeper understanding of yourself and what you need to feel secure and authentic in relationship.
The Unique Challenges for Millennial Women
If you're in your late twenties, thirties, or early forties, this breakup likely carries additional weight because of where you are in life.
You're at a stage where many of your peers are getting married, having children, buying houses together. Social media is full of engagement announcements and baby pictures. Family members are asking when you'll "settle down." There's a sense of running out of time, particularly if you wanted children or saw this relationship as "the one."
The societal pressure on women around relationships and timelines is real, and it can make a breakup feel like a personal failure rather than just a relationship that didn't work out. You might find yourself catastrophizing about the future—convinced you'll never find anyone else, worried you've wasted your "good years," anxious about starting over when everyone else seems to be settled.
In our work together, we'll address these societal pressures directly. We'll explore how much of your grief is about the relationship itself versus the timeline you thought you'd be on. We'll examine the ways you might be judging yourself for not being "where you should be" and work on developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself and your choices.
We'll also look at the ways gender dynamics may have played out in your relationship. Were you the one doing most of the emotional labor? Did you suppress your needs or opinions to keep the peace? Did you find yourself compromising on things that were important to you? Understanding these dynamics isn't about blame—it's about recognizing patterns so you can make different choices moving forward.
There's also the reality that many women in this age group are accomplished and successful in their careers but struggling in their personal lives. You might be someone who's achieved a lot professionally—you're respected at work, you're financially independent, you're competent and capable. And yet, this breakup has left you feeling completely untethered. That contrast can be jarring and can contribute to struggles with self-worth ("If I'm so successful, why can't I get this part of my life right?").
The work we do together will help you integrate all aspects of yourself—the successful professional and the heartbroken person trying to rebuild—rather than compartmentalizing or feeling like one negates the other.
When Breakup Grief Intersects With Other Losses
Sometimes a breakup becomes the entry point for processing other losses you haven't fully grieved.
You might notice that your reaction to this breakup feels disproportionate to the length or intensity of the relationship. Or you might find that certain aspects of the loss hit particularly hard—being left, feeling not chosen, having someone give up on you.
Often, current losses activate older losses. The breakup might be retriggering:
Complicated grief from a parent who left or died when you were young
The loss of a previous significant relationship that you never fully processed
Abandonment experiences from childhood that taught you that people leave
Other significant losses or transitions that you moved through quickly without taking time to grieve
In our work together, we'll pay attention to these connections. If your reaction to the breakup feels bigger than the relationship itself, we'll explore what else might be present. This doesn't mean your current grief isn't valid—it means there are layers to it that deserve attention.
Processing breakup grief can actually be a doorway to healing older wounds. As you develop the capacity to sit with difficult emotions, to understand your patterns, and to treat yourself with compassion, you're building skills that apply to all the losses you're carrying. The work we do around this breakup becomes work that ripples out into your entire emotional life.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Healing from a breakup doesn't mean you'll never think about your ex or feel sad about what ended. It doesn't mean you'll be grateful for the experience or convinced that it was "meant to be." And it certainly doesn't mean you'll forget the relationship happened.
Healing looks more like this:
You can think about the relationship without being overwhelmed. You might still feel sad when you remember the good times, or angry about how things ended, but these feelings don't consume your entire day. You can have the feeling, process it, and move on with your life.
You're reconnecting with yourself. You're rediscovering interests and passions that got lost in the relationship. You're making decisions based on what you actually want rather than what you think you should want. You're starting to recognize your own voice again.
You're setting boundaries more easily. Whether it's with your ex (if you're still in contact), with friends who don't respect your process, or in new relationships, you're clearer about what you need and more willing to advocate for yourself.
You're not using new relationships to avoid feeling. When you do start dating again, it's because you're genuinely interested in connecting with someone new, not because you're trying to prove something or fill a void.
You're building a life you're genuinely excited about. The plans you're making aren't about showing your ex what they're missing or trying to look happy on social media. They're about creating a life that feels authentic and meaningful to you.
You trust yourself again. You've processed what happened enough to understand your own part in it without drowning in self-blame. You know that choosing someone who didn't work out doesn't mean your judgment is fundamentally flawed. You're willing to take risks again, even knowing that not every relationship will work out.
You can hold multiple truths simultaneously. The relationship had good parts and hard parts. You loved them and they hurt you. It was important and it's over. You're sad about the ending and relieved to move forward. Healing means being able to hold complexity rather than needing everything to be one way or the other.
This kind of healing takes time—usually more time than you want it to. But with support, you can move through it in a way that leaves you more whole rather than more damaged, more trusting of yourself rather than more doubtful, more open to connection rather than more defended against it.
The Therapeutic Process
If you decide to work together, here's what the process typically looks like:
Early sessions (weeks 1-4): We focus on understanding your story—what brought you here, what you're struggling with most, and what patterns might be keeping you stuck. I'll ask questions about the relationship, how it ended, and what you're experiencing now. We'll start identifying the layers of what you're grieving and begin developing strategies for managing the acute symptoms (trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, overwhelming emotions).
Middle phase (months 2-4): This is where we do the deeper work. We explore the relationship patterns, process the various losses, work with the rumination and "what ifs," and start rebuilding your sense of self. We'll use ACT to help you clarify your values and take steps toward the life you want to build. We'll also address the practical challenges—how to handle mutual friends, whether to stay in contact with your ex, how to navigate social situations where they might be present.
Later phase (months 4-6+): As the acute grief begins to ease, we shift toward integration and growth. We look at what you've learned about yourself and what you want to carry forward. We address any remaining patterns you want to change. If you're starting to date again, we process what that's bringing up. We work on solidifying the skills you've developed so you feel equipped to handle future challenges.
The timeline varies significantly from person to person. Some people need a few months of intensive work; others benefit from a longer therapeutic relationship that extends a year or more. We'll regularly check in about whether the work still feels useful and adjust as needed.
Throughout the process, I'm not just asking questions and nodding—I'm actively engaged with you. I'll point out patterns I notice, offer different perspectives when you're stuck, and share observations about what's happening in our relationship in the room. My style is warm and conversational, but also direct. I'll gently challenge you when I think it's helpful, and I'll also laugh with you and hold space for the moments when things feel impossible.
Why This Work Matters Now
There's something important about doing this work now, rather than just pushing through the pain and hoping it fades with time.
Without intentional processing, breakup grief has a way of shaping your future relationships in ways you might not recognize. You might become more guarded, more anxious about commitment, more likely to sabotage things when they start to feel good. You might find yourself choosing partners who are unavailable because that feels familiar, or staying in relationships that aren't working because you're afraid to go through another loss.
The work we do together now prevents those patterns from solidifying. It gives you the opportunity to process this loss in a way that leaves you more whole rather than more wounded, more open rather than more defended, more trusting of yourself rather than more doubtful.
It's also an investment in all your future relationships—not just romantic ones. The skills you develop in understanding yourself, communicating your needs, setting boundaries, and processing difficult emotions apply everywhere: with friends, family, colleagues, and eventually with a future partner.
You deserve to move through the world without carrying this breakup like a weight. You deserve to trust yourself and your judgment again. You deserve to build a life that feels authentically yours rather than just a reaction to what you lost.
And you deserve support while you do it. Trying to process a major loss alone, while also navigating work and friendships and family and all the other demands of life, is exhausting. Having a consistent space where you can show up exactly as you are—messy, uncertain, grieving, angry, hopeful, confused—makes the process more bearable.
If you've read this far, something here probably resonated. Maybe you recognize yourself in these words, or maybe you're just tired of pretending you're fine when you're barely holding it together.
Starting therapy after a breakup can feel vulnerable, especially if you're worried about being judged for "not being over it yet" or for feeling as devastated as you do. I want you to know that there's no timeline you should be following, no "right" way to grieve a relationship, and no expectation that you'll show up to therapy with it all figured out.
My approach is rooted in meeting you where you are—whatever that looks like. If you need to cry for the first three sessions, that's okay. If you're angry and need to process that anger, we'll do that. If you're confused and ambivalent and not even sure you made the right choice to end things, we'll explore that complexity without judgment.
Taking the Next Step
Every person's experience of a breakup is unique, shaped by the particular relationship, your individual history, your family patterns, and what this loss means in the context of your life. That's why I tailor our work specifically to you—your story, your needs, your goals, and your pace.
If you're ready to stop carrying this alone, I invite you to reach out. We can start with a free 15-minute consultation where you share a bit about what's going on, ask any questions you have about my approach or the process, and get a sense of whether we're a good fit.
You don't have to have it all together to reach out. You don't have to know exactly what you need from therapy. You just have to be willing to show up and do the work of understanding yourself, processing what you've lost, and building toward something new.
Your grief deserves witness. Your confusion deserves compassion. And you deserve support as you navigate this profoundly difficult transition.
Ready to Begin?
Schedule your free 15-minute consultation to discuss your specific situation and explore whether working together feels like the right fit. I'm here to answer any questions you have about the process, my approach, or what to expect in breakup therapy.