Quiet your inner critic who keeps telling you to stay small
Self-esteem therapy in New York for women ready to challenge self-doubt, trust their instincts, and express their authentic selves in work, relationships, and life. Limited in-person sessions in Manhattan and virtual therapy available throughout New York State.
When you know you're capable of more, but something inside keeps holding you back…
You know that voice in your head that questions everything you say, do, or want? The one that tells you to tone it down, play it safe, or that your ideas probably aren't that good anyway? You've been listening to it for so long that you've forgotten what your authentic voice even sounds like.
You find yourself holding back at work, filtering your thoughts in relationships, and second-guessing decisions you know make sense. You watch others confidently express their opinions, pursue opportunities, and show up fully as themselves—and you wonder what they know or have that you don't.
As a therapist working with clients throughout New York, I help intelligent women recognize the critical voices that have been running their lives and learn to separate what's true from what's just old programming. You deserve to show up authentically in every area of your life, and therapy can help you get there.
What Self-Doubt Actually Sounds Like
If you're struggling with confidence and self-worth, you might find yourself hesitating to take risks or pursue what you really want. Perhaps you downplay your achievements, overthink decisions, or feel like an impostor despite your capabilities. You carefully consider how others might judge you before speaking up or trying something new.
That critical inner voice doesn't just say "you're not good enough." It's much more sophisticated and convincing:
At work:
"Everyone else seems so much more qualified—they'll figure out I don't really know what I'm doing"
"I should probably stay quiet in this meeting; my idea isn't fully formed yet"
"I got this job/promotion through circumstance, not skill—I need to work twice as hard to prove I belong"
In relationships:
"If I tell them how I really feel, they'll think I'm too needy/dramatic/much"
"I should just go along with their plan; mine probably isn't as good anyway"
"They seem annoyed—what did I do wrong? I should apologize just in case"
With friends and family:
"I can't disagree with this; they'll think I'm being difficult"
"I should pretend I'm fine—no one wants to hear about my problems"
"Maybe I'm being too sensitive; I should just let this go"
In daily life:
"I can't try that new class/hobby/opportunity—what if I'm terrible at it?"
"I shouldn't speak up about this issue; I'm probably wrong"
"I need to research this decision for weeks before I can make a choice"
Sound familiar? These thoughts feel so automatic and true that you might not even question them anymore.
The Hidden Cost of Chronic People-Pleasing
People-pleasing often gets dismissed as being "too nice" or "caring too much," but the reality is far more complex and costly than most people understand. When you've spent years—maybe decades—prioritizing everyone else's comfort over your own truth, the effects ripple through every area of your life.
Your relationships feel simultaneously close and distant. People love being around you because you're so accommodating, but you might feel like they don't really know you—because honestly, you're not sure you know yourself anymore. You've become so skilled at being what others need that you've lost track of who you are when no one else is around.
Anxiety becomes your constant companion. When your sense of safety depends on other people's approval, every interaction carries the potential for rejection or disappointment. You might find yourself overthinking text messages, analyzing tone of voice, or catastrophizing about whether someone seemed less enthusiastic than usual when they saw you.
Decision-making becomes paralyzed. When you're used to prioritizing what others want, making choices based on your own preferences can feel impossible. You might find yourself stuck on simple decisions like what restaurant to choose or what to wear, because you're so accustomed to gauging what would make others happy rather than what you actually want.
Your body keeps the score. Chronic people-pleasing often manifests physically—tension headaches from monitoring everyone's moods, stomach problems from swallowing your own needs, insomnia from replaying social interactions, or a general sense of fatigue that rest doesn't seem to fix.
The Goal: Authentic Self-Expression Everywhere
Imagine showing up to your life without constantly editing yourself. Picture expressing your ideas at work without first wondering if they're "good enough." Envision telling friends what you actually want to do instead of defaulting to "whatever you want is fine." Consider setting boundaries with family without feeling guilty or defensive.
This is what we're working toward:
At work:
Sharing your ideas confidently, even when they're still developing
Advocating for yourself in negotiations and performance reviews
Taking on challenges that stretch you without waiting until you feel "ready"
Speaking up when you disagree or have a different perspective
In romantic relationships:
Expressing your needs and desires without apologizing for having them
Maintaining your individual interests and opinions within the partnership
Having difficult conversations without assuming they'll lead to rejection
Being vulnerable without losing yourself in the other person
With friends:
Saying no to plans that don't work for you without elaborate explanations
Sharing your authentic thoughts and feelings, not just what you think they want to hear
Initiating plans based on what you actually want to do
Setting boundaries when friendships become one-sided
With family:
Expressing your adult perspective even when it differs from family expectations
Making life choices based on your values, not their approval
Maintaining your boundaries during visits and family events
Speaking your truth with love but without sacrificing your authenticity
"The price of belonging to others is too high if you have to disconnect from yourself to pay it." — Author Unknown
The Self-Abandonment Cycle
*
The Self-Abandonment Cycle *
At the heart of chronic people-pleasing is a pattern of self-abandonment that often develops so gradually you might not even notice it happening. It usually starts with small compromises—agreeing to plans you're not excited about, laughing at jokes that aren't funny to you, or staying quiet when something bothers you to avoid conflict.
Over time, these small betrayals of yourself compound. You might find that:
You've lost touch with your own preferences. When someone asks what you want to eat or what movie you'd like to watch, you genuinely don't know. You've spent so much energy figuring out what others want that your own desires have become unfamiliar territory.
Your emotions feel confusing or "wrong." You might feel guilty for being annoyed when someone takes advantage of your kindness, or ashamed for feeling hurt when your needs aren't considered. You've learned to judge your own feelings as too much, too sensitive, or unreasonable.
You feel responsible for everyone else's feelings while neglecting your own. You can sense when your partner is stressed and immediately go into fix-it mode, but you might not even notice when you're overwhelmed until you're on the verge of burnout.
You say yes when you mean no so automatically that you sometimes don't even realize you had a choice. Your people-pleasing responses have become so habitual that they bypass your conscious decision-making process entirely.
You minimize your own needs or convince yourself they don't matter. You might tell yourself you're fine with always being the one to adjust your schedule, or that you don't really need as much alone time as you think you do.
This self-abandonment doesn't just hurt you—it actually undermines the very relationships you're trying to protect. When you consistently hide your true self, people can't really know or love the real you. And when you don't advocate for your own needs, you might start feeling resentful, which creates the distance and conflict you were trying so hard to avoid.
How People-Pleasing Feeds Other Mental Health Struggles
People-pleasing rarely exists in isolation. It's often interwoven with other mental health challenges in ways that can make each issue harder to untangle:
Anxiety thrives in the uncertainty of constantly trying to manage other people's reactions. When your sense of safety depends on factors outside your control, your nervous system remains activated and alert. This can manifest as generalized anxiety, social anxiety, or even panic attacks when the pressure to perform becomes overwhelming.
Depression can develop from the chronic disconnection from your authentic self. When you spend years suppressing your own needs and feelings, you might start to feel empty, lost, or like you're going through the motions of life without really living it. The constant self-criticism that often accompanies people-pleasing can also fuel depressive thoughts.
Burnout becomes inevitable when you're constantly giving more than you receive. People-pleasers often struggle to recognize their own limits until they've far exceeded them, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion that can take months to recover from.
Functional freeze might show up as procrastination or inability to make decisions. When you're so used to doing what others want, acting on your own initiative can feel paralyzing. You might find yourself stuck in jobs, relationships, or living situations that don't serve you because making a change feels impossibly overwhelming.
Eating and body image issues sometimes develop as ways to control something in a life that feels otherwise dictated by others' needs. Or they might emerge from the internalized message that your worth depends on being pleasing to others, including being the "right" size or appearance.
The Roots: Where People-Pleasing Begins
Understanding why you developed people-pleasing patterns isn't about blaming your past—it's about recognizing that your strategies made perfect sense given what you experienced. People-pleasing typically develops as an intelligent adaptation to environments where being agreeable, helpful, or accommodating felt safer than expressing your authentic self.
Maybe you grew up in a family where conflict felt dangerous, where someone's moods dominated the household, or where your worth seemed tied to how much you could help or achieve. Perhaps you learned early that being "good" meant being quiet about your own needs, or that causing any inconvenience would result in withdrawal of love or attention.
These early experiences teach your nervous system that approval equals safety, and disapproval equals threat. Your people-pleasing behaviors developed as a way to stay connected and secure in relationships, even if it meant disconnecting from yourself.
The challenge is that strategies that served you as a child might be limiting you as an adult. The hypervigilance that once kept you safe in an unpredictable family environment might now be preventing you from forming the genuine, reciprocal relationships you crave.
Values-Based Living: A Different Way Forward
One of the most powerful shifts in recovering from people-pleasing happens when you start making decisions based on your values rather than other people's reactions. This approach, drawn from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, offers a compass for navigating relationships and choices that doesn't depend on external approval.
Values are different from goals or rules. While goals can be achieved and rules can be followed perfectly, values are ongoing directions for how you want to live. They're about the kind of person you want to be and what matters most deeply to you, regardless of whether others understand or approve.
When you're clear on your values, decision-making becomes less about "What will make them happy?" and more about "What aligns with what I care about most?" This doesn't mean becoming selfish or inconsiderate—if kindness and care for others are among your values, those will still guide your choices. But now they're balanced with other values like authenticity, personal growth, or creative expression.
Values-based living requires practice because people-pleasing patterns are deeply ingrained. You might start small—choosing a restaurant based on what you're actually craving rather than what you think others want, or expressing a genuine opinion about a movie instead of just agreeing with whoever spoke first.
The goal isn't to stop caring about others but to create a more sustainable balance where caring for others doesn't require abandoning yourself. When your choices are guided by your values rather than fear of disapproval, you can show up more authentically in relationships, which ultimately creates the deeper connections you've been seeking.
Why Relational Therapy Is Essential for People-Pleasing Recovery
People-pleasing is fundamentally a relational pattern—it's about how you've learned to be with others—so it makes sense that healing happens most effectively within a therapeutic relationship. This isn't just about learning new strategies or challenging negative thoughts; it's about experiencing a different kind of relationship entirely.
In our work together, you'll experience unconditional positive regard without having to perform or please. Many of my clients are initially confused by this—they keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to become disappointed or frustrated with them. Learning to trust that you can be valued simply for who you are, not what you do for others, is often the first step in recovery.
The therapeutic relationship becomes a laboratory for practicing new ways of being. You might start by expressing a preference about scheduling, sharing something you've never told anyone, or even disagreeing with something I've said. These small moments of authenticity, met with acceptance rather than rejection, help your nervous system learn that being real is safe.
You'll witness healthy boundaries in action. I maintain professional boundaries not because I don't care about you, but because boundaries are actually what make caring sustainable. This modeling helps you understand that boundaries aren't mean or selfish—they're what allow relationships to thrive over time.
We'll explore how your people-pleasing patterns show up between us. You might notice yourself apologizing excessively, asking if I'm sure I'm not annoyed with you, or trying to manage my reactions. These moments aren't problems to be ashamed of—they're valuable information about how you move through the world, and opportunities to try something different in real time.
The Depth-Oriented Approach to People-Pleasing Recovery
Surface-level approaches to people-pleasing often focus on behavior modification—learning to say no, setting boundaries, or challenging negative thoughts. While these skills can be helpful, they often don't address the deeper emotional and relational patterns that drive the behavior.
Depth-oriented therapy recognizes that people-pleasing is not just a bad habit but a complex adaptation that serves important psychological functions. We'll explore not just what you do, but why you do it, what you're afraid will happen if you stop, and what deeper needs your people-pleasing might be trying to meet.
We'll examine your internal relationship with yourself. People-pleasing often involves a harsh inner critic that constantly evaluates your performance and finds you wanting. We'll work to understand this critical voice—where it came from, what it's trying to protect you from, and how to develop a more compassionate internal dialogue.
We'll explore your family and cultural background to understand how messages about selflessness, accommodation, and worth were transmitted to you. This isn't about blaming your family, but about understanding the context that shaped your strategies so you can consciously choose which ones still serve you.
We'll pay attention to your body and emotions as sources of information about your authentic needs and boundaries. Many people-pleasers have learned to override physical and emotional signals that would naturally guide them toward self-care and boundary-setting.
We'll work with the parts of you that have different needs and fears. Part of you might desperately want to speak up while another part is terrified of conflict. Rather than trying to eliminate the fearful part, we'll help these different aspects of yourself communicate and work together.
The Unique Challenges for Millennial Women
As a millennial woman, you're navigating people-pleasing in a cultural context that sends particularly complex messages about your worth and role. You've been raised to be strong and independent while also being accommodating and likeable. You're supposed to lean in professionally while also being relationally sensitive. You're expected to have it all figured out while also being flexible and adaptable to others' needs.
Social media amplifies the pressure to appear perfect and pleasing. The curated highlight reels of others' lives can trigger your people-pleasing patterns, making you feel like you need to work harder to be worthy of love and acceptance.
Career pressures intersect with people-pleasing in complex ways. You might find yourself saying yes to every project, staying late to help colleagues, or avoiding necessary but difficult conversations with supervisors because you're afraid of being seen as difficult or demanding.
Dating and relationships become complicated when you're not sure how to be authentic while also being attractive to potential partners. You might find yourself morphing into what you think each person wants rather than staying true to yourself.
Family dynamics often intensify as you reach life stages where expectations about marriage, children, and success become more pronounced. Your people-pleasing patterns might be triggered by family gatherings, holiday planning, or conversations about your life choices.
Your generation is also uniquely positioned to do this deep work. You have access to mental health resources and language that previous generations didn't have. You're more psychologically minded and less stigmatized about seeking help. You understand that growth and healing are lifelong processes, not destinations.
What Recovery Actually Looks Like
Recovery from chronic people-pleasing doesn't mean becoming selfish, difficult, or uncaring. It means developing the capacity to care for others from a place of choice rather than compulsion, and to maintain your sense of self within relationships.
You'll develop discernment about which relationships are worth your energy and which ones require you to abandon yourself to maintain them. This doesn't mean cutting everyone out, but it does mean being more intentional about where you invest your emotional resources.
You'll learn to tolerate disapproval without it feeling like a threat to your survival. Someone being upset with you will feel unpleasant, but it won't send you into crisis mode or compulsive fix-it behaviors.
You'll discover what you actually want and need, perhaps for the first time in years. This can be both exciting and overwhelming—suddenly having preferences feels unfamiliar when you're used to defaulting to others' desires.
You'll experience more authentic relationships. When you stop performing and start being real, you'll discover which people in your life can handle the real you and which relationships were more about what you could provide than who you are.
You'll develop internal stability that doesn't depend on external approval. Your sense of worth will become less dependent on whether you've made everyone else happy and more connected to your own values and integrity.
You'll find your voice and learn to use it, even when it shakes. Speaking your truth won't always feel comfortable, but it will feel increasingly necessary and ultimately liberating.
Moving Forward: The Practice of Recovery
People-pleasing recovery is not a destination but an ongoing practice. It's about developing new neural pathways that support authentic self-expression and genuine connection. This work takes time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion.
Start small with low-stakes situations where you can practice expressing preferences or setting gentle boundaries. Notice what happens in your body when you consider saying no or expressing a different opinion.
Pay attention to your values in daily decisions. When you're faced with a choice, pause and ask yourself: "What matters most to me here? What would I choose if I knew I'd be supported regardless?"
Practice tolerating discomfort when others are upset or disappointed. Remember that their emotions are information about their experience, not commands for you to fix or change.
Develop your internal support system by learning to speak to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend. Your inner critic learned to be harsh because it thought that would keep you safe, but you can teach it new ways to protect you.
Surround yourself with people who appreciate authenticity and can handle your full range of emotions and experiences. You deserve relationships where you don't have to perform to be loved.
Why This Work Matters Now
The patterns you develop in your twenties, thirties and forties often set the stage for the rest of your adult life. The relationships you'll form, the career decisions you'll make, the family you might create—all of these will be influenced by your ability to show up authentically and advocate for your own needs.
Learning to recover from people-pleasing now is an investment in every future relationship and opportunity. It's about claiming your right to take up space, to have needs, to disappoint people sometimes, and to be loved not for what you can provide but for who you are.
You deserve relationships where you can be fully yourself. You deserve to make choices based on your own values and desires. You deserve to feel at home in your own life, not like a perpetual guest trying to earn your keep.
Taking the First Step
If you've read this far, something probably resonated. Maybe you're tired of feeling like a stranger in your own life, or maybe you're ready to find out who you are when you're not busy being what everyone else needs.
Starting therapy can feel vulnerable, especially when people-pleasing has been your primary strategy for feeling safe in relationships. You might worry about being too much, not enough, or disappointing me in some way. These concerns make perfect sense given your history, and they're welcome in our work together.
In our therapeutic relationship, you'll have the opportunity to practice being real with someone who won't reject you for it. You'll learn that you can express needs, set boundaries, and even disagree with someone who cares about you. Most importantly, you'll discover that the love and acceptance you've been working so hard to earn has always been available to you—you just needed to learn how to let it in.
Your recovery from people-pleasing isn't just about changing your behavior—it's about reclaiming your life. It's about discovering what it feels like to live from the inside out, guided by your own values and connected to your authentic self.
You don't have to figure this out alone. And you don't have to keep sacrificing yourself to maintain relationships that require you to disappear. There's another way to live, and you deserve to discover what that looks like for you.
Ready to Begin?
Ready to start reclaiming your authentic self? Contact me to schedule a consultation where we can explore what people-pleasing recovery might look like for you. I'm here to answer any questions about the process and help you determine if working together feels like the right fit.