People Pleasing Recovery Therapy in NYC
When Being "Nice" Becomes a Prison…
You've been called thoughtful, accommodating, and easy-going your entire life. You're the one people turn to when they need something, the friend who always says yes, the daughter who never causes trouble. From the outside, you look like you have it all together—successful, well-liked, the kind of person others admire for being so selfless and kind.
But here's what they don't see: the constant mental gymnastics of trying to figure out what everyone else wants from you. The exhaustion of monitoring every conversation for signs that you've said the wrong thing. The way you lie awake replaying interactions, wondering if your coworker seemed annoyed when you asked for help, or if your friend really meant it when she said "don't worry about it" after you had to cancel plans.
As a therapist working with clients throughout Manhattan—from the Upper East Side to NoMad—I see this every day: intelligent, accomplished women who've mastered the art of keeping everyone else happy while slowly losing touch with what they actually want, need, or feel. If you're reading this, you might be starting to realize that your people-pleasing isn't just a quirky personality trait—it's a pattern that's costing you your peace of mind, your authentic relationships, and maybe even your sense of self.
What Is People-Pleasing, Really?
People-pleasing is the automatic pattern of prioritizing others' comfort, approval, and needs over your own authentic thoughts, feelings, and desires. It's not the same as being kind, considerate, or generous—those are conscious choices. People-pleasing is a compulsive response driven by fear of rejection, conflict, or disappointing others.
At its core, people-pleasing involves:
Saying yes when you mean no (or want to say no)
Monitoring others' moods and reactions constantly to adjust your behavior accordingly
Avoiding conflict even when it means suppressing your own legitimate needs or concerns
Taking responsibility for others' emotions while neglecting your own
Difficulty expressing preferences or opinions that might differ from others
Feeling anxious or guilty when someone seems upset, even if it's not your fault
What People-Pleasing Actually Looks Like
People-pleasing can be subtle and often gets disguised as being "considerate" or "helpful."
Here are some common ways it shows up in daily life:
In Relationships:
Agreeing to plans you don't want to do because saying no feels too uncomfortable
Apologizing excessively, even for things that aren't your fault
Changing your opinion to match whoever you're talking to
Staying quiet during conversations when you have something to contribute but worry it might be "wrong"
Texting "sorry!" before asking for something you need
Being afraid to speak up and express how you really feel with others
Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict
At Work:
Saying yes to every additional project, even when you're already overwhelmed
Staying late to help colleagues while your own work suffers
Not speaking up in meetings when you disagree with decisions
Apologizing for asking questions or requesting clarification
Taking on tasks that aren't your responsibility because you don't want to seem "difficult"
With Family:
Going along with holiday plans that stress you out to avoid disappointing anyone
Not expressing your political or lifestyle choices that differ from family expectations
Feeling responsible for mediating family conflicts or managing others' emotions
Making financial decisions based on what family members think you "should" do
Visiting more often than you want to because you feel guilty saying no
Struggling to set boundaries with family or in-laws
In Social Situations:
Laughing at jokes you don't find funny to fit in
Pretending to be interested in activities or topics that bore you
Not expressing food preferences when choosing restaurants
Going along with group decisions even when they don't work for you
Feeling anxious for hours after social interactions, replaying everything you said
Feeling exhausted from performing nice-ness all the time
Day-to-Day Decisions:
Choosing what to wear based on what others might think rather than what you like
Not pursuing hobbies or interests because they seem "silly" or impractical
Difficulty making simple decisions like what to order at restaurants
Constantly checking with others before making choices that only affect you
Minimizing your own problems when talking to friends because you don't want to burden them
Do You Recognize Yourself? Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser
If you're wondering whether your accommodating nature has crossed into people-pleasing territory, consider whether these experiences feel familiar:
Emotional signs:
You feel anxious or guilty when someone seems upset, even if you don't know why
You have a hard time identifying what you actually want in situations
You feel responsible for "fixing" other people's moods or problems
You feel resentful sometimes but have trouble expressing it directly
You worry constantly about whether people like you or are mad at you
Behavioral patterns:
You find yourself saying "sorry" multiple times a day
You regularly sacrifice your own plans to accommodate others
You have trouble making decisions without consulting multiple people
You avoid bringing up issues that bother you to keep the peace
You give more in relationships than you receive but feel selfish asking for more
Physical responses:
You feel tension in your body during or after social interactions
You have trouble sleeping because you're replaying conversations
You experience stomach issues or headaches when anticipating difficult conversations
You feel exhausted after social events, even pleasant ones
You notice yourself holding your breath or feeling tight when people seem upset
Relationship dynamics:
People often come to you with their problems but rarely ask how you're doing
You attract friends or partners who take more than they give
You feel like people wouldn't like the "real" you if they knew what you actually thought
You have difficulty maintaining friendships with people who are more direct or assertive
You feel closer to others than they seem to feel to you
"Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve." — Earl Grollman
The Relational Nature of Grief
One of the most profound aspects of complicated grief is how it lives not just inside you, but between you and others. The losses you've experienced shape how you show up in relationships, how you trust, how you love, and how you protect yourself.
You might notice patterns like:
Difficulty believing that people will stick around when things get hard
Tendency to give more than you receive, afraid that being "too much" will drive people away
Struggling to know what you actually want in relationships because you've spent so long focusing on what others need
Feeling simultaneously hungry for deep connection and terrified of it
These patterns make perfect sense when you understand them as adaptations to loss and disappointment. Your psyche developed these strategies to protect you, and they likely served you well at one time. But now they might be keeping you from the very connections that could be healing.
In relational therapy, we don't just talk about these patterns—we explore how they show up between us.
The therapeutic relationship becomes a laboratory where you can experience being truly seen and known, where your grief can be witnessed without judgment, and where you can practice new ways of being with another person.
What Depth-Oriented Grief Work Looks Like
Depth-oriented therapy approaches your grief not as a problem to be solved, but as a profound human experience that deserves careful attention and respect. This means:
Going beneath the surface to understand not just what you've lost, but what the loss means to you, how it connects to other experiences in your life, and what it reveals about your deepest needs and longings.
Exploring the whole story, including the parts that feel contradictory or shameful. Maybe you're grieving someone who wasn't good for you. Maybe you're sad about losing something you're also relieved to be free from. These complexities are not obstacles to healing—they are the very material we work with.
Understanding your internal world and how different parts of you might be holding different aspects of the grief. Part of you might want to move on while another part feels loyal to the past. Part of you might be angry while another part just feels profoundly sad. We work with all these parts, helping them communicate with each other rather than fighting.
Connecting past and present to understand how early experiences of loss or disappointment might be influencing how you're experiencing current situations. This isn't about blaming your parents or dwelling in the past, but about developing a deeper understanding of your emotional landscape.
Using the therapeutic relationship as a place to experience something different. Perhaps for the first time, you have a relationship where your grief is welcome, where you don't have to be "fine" or "over it," and where someone can hold space for the full complexity of your experience.
The Unique Challenges for Millennial Women
As a millennial woman, you're navigating grief in a cultural context that often doesn't have space for it. You've been raised to be independent, successful, and resilient. You've been told you can have it all, but perhaps you're discovering that "all" doesn't feel quite like what you expected.
You might be dealing with:
The pressure to have figured it all out by now, especially as you watch peers get married, have children, or advance in their careers while you're still processing fundamental questions about who you are and what you want
Social media's highlight reel effect, where everyone else's life looks curated and perfect while you're dealing with messy, unresolved feelings
The intersection of personal grief with larger cultural losses—the economic uncertainty, climate anxiety, and social upheaval that define this generation's experience
Delayed processing of childhood experiences as you finally have the space and resources to look back at what happened
Your generation is also uniquely positioned to do this deep work. You have access to mental health resources and language that previous generations didn't have. You're more psychologically minded and less stigmatized about seeking help. You understand that growth and healing are lifelong processes, not destinations.
Life Transitions and Unresolved Grief
Complicated grief has a way of resurfacing during major life transitions. You might think you've dealt with something, only to have it come up again when you're getting married, becoming a parent, changing careers, or losing someone new.
This isn't a sign that you haven't healed—it's actually how the psyche works. Each new life stage gives us a different vantage point from which to understand our experiences. The grief you couldn't fully process at 15 might need attention now that you're 30 and have more emotional resources and life experience.
Common Life Transitions that Bring Up Unresolved Grief
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Getting Married
Getting married might bring up grief about the family dynamics you're bringing into your new relationship, or sadness about family members who won't be there or who might create drama on your wedding day.
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Becoming a Parent
Becoming a parent often stirs up everything about your own childhood—both the beautiful and the painful. You might find yourself grieving the parenting you didn't receive while simultaneously feeling terrified about whether you know how to give your child what they need.
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Career Changes
Career changes or achievements might activate grief about paths not taken, dreams that didn't work out, or the recognition that success doesn't fix the deeper wounds you carry.
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Loss of Loved One
Losing someone new can reopen old grief, making you feel like you're not just mourning this current loss but every loss you've ever experienced.
The NYC Context: Grief in the City
Living in New York City adds its own complexity to the grief experience. This is a city that moves fast, demands resilience, and often doesn't have patience for the slow, nonlinear process of healing. You might feel pressure to keep up the pace even when you need to slow down and process.
The anonymity of city life can be both a blessing and a burden when you're grieving. On one hand, you can disappear into the crowd when you need space. On the other hand, it can feel isolating to carry your pain among millions of people who don't know your story.
NYC also attracts ambitious, driven people who often struggle with perfectionism and the sense that they should be able to handle everything on their own. If this sounds like you, you're not alone. Many of my clients are successful, intelligent women who excel in their professional lives but find themselves stuck when it comes to processing emotional pain.
The city's transient nature—people constantly moving in and out, neighborhoods changing, favorite places disappearing—can also trigger grief about impermanence and loss of stability. Everything is always changing, which can make unresolved grief feel more acute.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Here's what I want you to know: healing from complicated grief doesn't mean "getting over it" or returning to who you were before. It means developing a different relationship with your loss—one that allows you to carry it without being crushed by it.
You might always feel some sadness about what you lost or never had. That's not pathology—that's humanity. The goal isn't to eliminate grief but to help it transform from something that controls your life into something that's integrated into your fuller story.
Healing might look like:
Being able to think about your loss without being overwhelmed by it
Feeling free to love and be loved without constantly bracing for abandonment
Having access to the full range of your emotions, including joy, without feeling guilty
Understanding how your experiences shaped you without being defined by them
Feeling connected to your own desires and needs, not just what others expect from you
Being able to set boundaries with family or others without feeling guilty or terrified
Finding meaning in your experiences, even the painful ones
The Therapeutic Process
Working with complicated grief is not a quick fix—it's a journey of discovery and integration. Early sessions often focus on creating safety and understanding your unique story. We'll explore not just the facts of what happened, but what it meant to you, how it affected you, and how it continues to show up in your life.
As we build trust, we'll go deeper into the more vulnerable aspects of your experience. This might include exploring feelings you've never shared with anyone, understanding family patterns that shaped you, or examining beliefs about yourself and relationships that developed as a result of your losses.
The middle phase of therapy is often where the real transformation happens. This is when you start to experience yourself differently—not just in our sessions, but in your daily life. You might notice that you're more present in relationships, less reactive to triggers, or more able to advocate for your needs.
Throughout this process, I'll be attentive to your pace and your needs. Some sessions might be intense and emotional; others might be more exploratory and intellectual. Some days you might need to process something that happened recently; other days we might go back to understand something from years ago. This is all part of the nonlinear nature of healing.
Why This Work Matters Now
There's something particularly important about doing this grief work now, in this phase of your life. You have enough life experience to understand your patterns, enough resources to support yourself through the process, and enough distance from childhood to see your family dynamics more clearly.
You also have the rest of your life ahead of you. The relationships you'll form, the family you might create, the career decisions you'll make—all of these will be influenced by how you relate to your own emotional world. Working through complicated grief now is an investment in every relationship and opportunity that comes after.
You deserve to move through the world without carrying the weight of unresolved loss. You deserve relationships where you can be fully yourself without fear of abandonment. You deserve to feel excited about your future without being haunted by your past.
If you've read this far, something probably resonated. Maybe you recognize yourself in these words, or maybe you're tired of feeling stuck in patterns that no longer serve you. Either way, reaching out takes courage—especially if you've been disappointed by previous therapy experiences or if you're naturally skeptical about whether this kind of work can really help.
I understand that starting therapy can feel vulnerable, particularly when you're dealing with grief that might not look like what others expect. In our work together, there's no pressure to perform grief in any particular way or to follow someone else's timeline for healing.
Every person's relationship with loss is unique, shaped by their particular history, family, culture, and individual temperament. That's why I tailor our work specifically to you—your story, your needs, your goals, and your pace.
Taking the Next Step
If you're ready to explore what it might look like to have a different relationship with your grief, I invite you to reach out. We can start with a conversation about what brings you here and what you're hoping for from therapy. From there, we'll create an approach that feels right for you.
You don't have to figure this out alone. Your grief deserves witness, understanding, and care. And you deserve support as you navigate this profoundly human experience of loss and healing.
Ready to Begin?
Contact me to schedule a consultation where we can discuss your specific situation and explore whether working together feels like the right fit. I'm here to answer any questions you might have about the process, my approach, or what to expect in our work together.