Why Does Therapy Feel Like It's Going Nowhere? (And What Actually Creates Change)
You've been going to therapy for months. Maybe even years. You show up every week, you talk about your problems, your therapist nods and offers suggestions, but somehow you're still stuck in the same patterns. You're smart enough to know that something should have shifted by now, but instead, you're left wondering: "Am I broken? Is therapy just not for me? What am I doing wrong?"
Here's the truth: you're not broken, therapy absolutely can work for you, and you're not doing anything wrong. But not all therapy approaches—or therapeutic relationships—are the right fit for what you're experiencing.
First, Let's Talk About That Critical Voice
If you're frustrated with your therapy progress, chances are you're also frustrated with yourself. That voice in your head might sound something like:
"I should be better at this by now"
"Other people seem to get so much out of therapy—what's wrong with me?"
"I've been talking about the same problems for months; I must be hopeless"
"I'm intelligent—why can't I just figure this out?"
"Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough"
Sound familiar? Here's what that voice doesn't understand: growth takes time, and healing isn't linear. You're not a project to be optimized or a problem to be solved. You're a complex human being with decades of experiences, relationships, and patterns that didn't develop overnight—and they won't transform overnight either.
Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is give yourself permission to be exactly where you are right now, without rushing toward some imagined "better" version of yourself.
When Therapy Feels Like Going in Circles
Let's be clear: if therapy isn't working for you, it doesn't necessarily mean your therapist is bad or that you're failing. Often, it's about fit. Just like you wouldn't expect every doctor to be the right match for your specific health needs, not every therapist will be attuned to what you're experiencing.
Here are some signs therapy might not be the right fit:
You're covering the same ground repeatedly
You find yourself rehashing the same situations week after week
Your therapist seems to have forgotten things you've discussed before
You leave sessions feeling like you didn't get anywhere new
The approach doesn't match your needs
You're getting coping strategies when you want to understand root causes
You want to go deeper but feel stuck on surface-level problem-solving
The therapeutic style feels too structured (or not structured enough) for you
You don't feel truly seen or understood
Your therapist gives generic advice that could apply to anyone
You find yourself explaining the same context repeatedly
You sense your therapist doesn't quite "get" your particular struggles
The relationship doesn't feel collaborative
You feel like a patient being treated rather than a person being understood
Your insights about yourself aren't welcomed or built upon
The dynamic feels one-sided or impersonal
None of this means your therapist is incompetent. They might be wonderful and effective—just not for you and what you're working through.
What Actually Creates Lasting Change
Real transformation happens when several elements come together in just the right way for your particular needs:
The Therapeutic Relationship Becomes the Engine
Change doesn't happen through techniques alone—it happens through relationship. When you have a therapist who truly sees and tracks your patterns over time, who remembers the details that matter to you, who can reflect back themes you might not notice yourself—that relationship becomes a template for healing.
This isn't about your therapist being your friend. It's about having someone who is consistently attuned to your inner world in a way that helps you become more attuned to it yourself.
You Go Beneath the Surface (When You're Ready)
Instead of just managing symptoms, you explore what's underneath them. And here's the crucial part: this happens at your pace, not according to some predetermined timeline.
That chronic anxiety you've been trying to manage? It might actually be grief—grief over:
Dreams that feel out of reach
Relationships that didn't give you what you needed
The version of yourself you had to hide to survive your family dynamics
Life not turning out the way you thought it would
Lost time, lost opportunities, lost connections
When you finally have space to name and process these deeper losses, the anxiety often begins to shift naturally. Not because you learned better coping skills, but because you addressed what was actually driving it.
Every Session Builds on the Last
Rather than starting from scratch each week, your therapist holds the continuity of your story. They notice:
Subtle shifts in how you talk about yourself
Patterns in when you feel stuck versus when you feel hopeful
Themes that show up across different areas of your life
Progress that you might not see because you're too close to it
This kind of attunement takes time to develop. It's why some of the most profound therapeutic work happens not in the first few months, but after you and your therapist have built a foundation of understanding together.
Self-Compassion Becomes Your North Star
Here's something most therapy approaches don't emphasize enough: your relationship with yourself is the foundation for everything else. If you're constantly criticizing yourself for not healing fast enough, not being good enough, not trying hard enough—that critical voice becomes another obstacle to work through.
Learning to speak to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend isn't just nice to have—it's essential for sustainable change. Sometimes you need another voice (your therapist's) to remind you of this compassion when your own voice gets too loud and critical.
The Difference Between Managing and Healing
Managing means learning to cope with your anxiety, depression, or relationship struggles. You develop strategies to get through difficult moments, which can absolutely be valuable.
Healing means understanding what's underneath those struggles and working through it so the symptoms naturally begin to shift. You're not just learning to live with your patterns—you're actually changing them at the root.
Most traditional therapy focuses on the first. Depth-oriented, relational therapy focuses on the second. Neither approach is inherently better—it depends on what you need and where you are in your journey.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Let's say you come to therapy because you're exhausted from people-pleasing. Here's how different approaches might address this:
Surface-level work: Learning to say no, practicing boundary-setting scripts, identifying triggers for people-pleasing behavior.
Depth-oriented work: Exploring what you learned early in life about your worth being tied to making others happy. Processing the grief of never having felt unconditionally accepted. Understanding how people-pleasing protected you in your family system. Slowly building a sense of self that doesn't depend on others' approval.
Both approaches have value. But if you've tried the first approach and found yourself still stuck in the same patterns, you might benefit from the second.
The Missing Piece: Real Feedback and Interaction
Here's something I hear repeatedly from prospective clients who've tried therapy before: "My therapist was lovely and supportive, but I wanted more feedback. I wanted their actual thoughts and perspective, not just validation."
There's real value in feeling heard and understood—that's foundational. But there's also tremendous value in having a trained, unbiased professional offer insights you might be missing. Sometimes you need someone to gently challenge your thinking, point out patterns you can't see, or offer a perspective that's different from what you'd get from a friend.
The key is finding a therapist who can hold both: someone who will validate and support you AND push you to think differently when you're ready for it. This isn't about a therapist imposing their opinions or overstepping boundaries. It's about gradually assessing when you're ready to receive honest feedback and offering it in a way that feels supportive rather than critical.
You might hear things like:
"I notice you're being really hard on yourself about this—what would happen if you offered yourself the same compassion you'd give a friend?"
"It seems like you're taking responsibility for everyone else's emotions in that situation. What if that wasn't actually your job?"
"I'm wondering if underneath that anger might be some grief about not getting the support you needed."
This kind of feedback requires a therapeutic relationship built on trust and attunement. Your therapist needs to know you well enough to understand when you're ready to hear something challenging, and how to deliver it in a way that feels helpful rather than overwhelming.
You Don't Have to Stay Stuck
If therapy has felt like going in circles, please hear this: it doesn't mean you're not "therapy material." It might mean you haven't found the right therapeutic relationship yet.
You deserve therapy that:
Honors your intelligence and complexity
Goes as deep as you're ready for
Helps you develop genuine compassion for yourself
Creates real change, not just symptom management
Feels collaborative rather than prescriptive
Offers real feedback and insights, not just validation
Challenges you to grow while maintaining safety and support
And you deserve to give yourself permission to take as much time as you need. Your healing doesn't have to look like anyone else's timeline or follow someone else's idea of progress.
The Long Game of Healing
Here's what I've learned from working with incredibly smart, thoughtful women who initially felt frustrated with therapy: the most profound changes often happen slowly, and then all at once.
You might spend months just learning to trust the therapeutic relationship. Then more time identifying patterns you've never named before. Then even more time developing compassion for the parts of yourself that learned to survive in difficult circumstances.
And then one day, you realize you handled a family gathering differently. Or you notice you're not overthinking that text message. Or you find yourself grieving something you've been carrying for years, and it actually feels relieving rather than overwhelming.
This isn't about being patient for patience's sake. It's about recognizing that real transformation—the kind that sticks—often requires tending to layers of experience that have been building for decades.
Ready to try a different approach? Sometimes all it takes is finding the right therapeutic relationship to unlock the growth that's been waiting to happen. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation to explore whether depth-oriented, relational therapy might be the missing piece you've been looking for.