What if Your Anxiety is Actually Grief?
What if your anxiety is actually grief? Or at least partly rooted in it?
Exploring the overlap between unresolved grief and chronic anxiety in therapy.
For many people, anxiety is the emotion that gets noticed first. It’s the racing thoughts, the feeling of dread in your chest, the restlessness, the tightness, the loop your brain gets stuck in when you try to relax. It’s familiar, it’s named, and in some ways, it’s easier to talk about than other feelings—especially grief.
Grief often gets sidelined unless it’s tied to a major loss like a death. But grief doesn’t just show up after an explicit loss. It shows up in all kinds of invisible, quiet ways. It can live in the spaces between what we hoped for and what we actually experienced. It can be tied to relationships, identities, milestones, choices, and even to the versions of ourselves we’ve had to leave behind.
Grief can live in the spaces between what we hoped for and what we actually experienced.
And for many high-achieving adults—especially those taught to be strong, put together, and self-sufficient—grief isn’t something they’ve ever really had permission to feel. So it gets rerouted—into anxiety, irritability, perfectionism, or numbness. You don’t think, "I’m grieving." You think, "Why can’t I calm down?"
What might grief look like beneath the anxiety?
Grieving the childhood you wish you had—the safety, the comfort, the steadiness you didn’t get
Grieving the years you spent people-pleasing, performing, overworking just to feel worthy
Grieving a relationship that was never mutual, or one that ended before you were ready
Grieving the identity you built that no longer fits, or that came at the cost of being fully yourself
Grieving transitions—moving, aging, becoming a parent, not becoming a parent, watching others’ lives change while yours feels stuck
Anxiety may be how your body alerts you that something is unresolved. It’s a signal that there’s something your system is trying to process—but hasn’t had the space, support, or safety to explore.
Why does this matter?
Because when we only treat the anxiety, we risk missing the root. Coping tools can help calm your nervous system (and those are important), but sometimes the reason you’re still anxious is because something deeper still hurts. You’re not broken. Your body might just be responding to a backlog of unprocessed grief.
And when we can name that grief—gently, slowly, in a space where it’s allowed to exist—we often find that the anxiety starts to soften. Not disappear overnight, but lose its grip. Because finally, what needed tending to is being acknowledged.
Unacknowledged grief often feels like…
A general sense of restlessness or agitation
Feeling like something is wrong with you, but you’re not sure what
Being highly sensitive to change, rejection, or criticism
Difficulty enjoying the present because you’re bracing for the next hit
A feeling of emotional isolation, even if you’re surrounded by people
You might even wonder, "Why am I still struggling? I’ve done the journaling, the yoga, the books, the mindset work..." But if grief hasn’t been a part of that work, there may still be an emotional weight you’re carrying that hasn’t had words put to it yet.
How therapy for anxiety and grief can help
Therapy gives you space to slow down, get curious, and let those deeper layers of emotion come forward. You don’t have to have the right words. You don’t have to explain everything clearly. It’s enough to start with: "Something feels off, and I’m tired of carrying it alone."
Together, we can begin to gently explore:
What you’ve lost, and maybe never grieved
What parts of yourself you’ve had to shut down to survive
What you’re still holding on to—and whether it’s time to lay some of it down
What it might mean to feel more supported, more seen, more steady
This is tender work, but it’s also powerful. Because when we give ourselves permission to grieve—not just the big losses, but the quiet, complicated ones too—we often find a deeper kind of healing. A sense of grounding that goes beyond coping.
If you’re looking for grief counseling or therapy for anxiety in NYC, I’d be honored to support you.