When Asking for Help Feels Impossible: Why It’s So Hard to Let Others In

Grabbing the groceries. Remembering everyone’s birthdays. Booking the dog groomer, coordinating the family trip, managing the emotional tone of the household. You’re good at it. You’re used to it. And most of the time, it’s easier to just do it yourself anyway.

But underneath that hyper-competence, there’s something tender: a deep exhaustion. A sense of isolation. A frustration that no one ever thinks to ask you what you need. The persistent belief that if you ask for help, others will fail, and you’ll end up having to do it yourself anyway.

This post is for you if you’re someone who struggles to ask for help—not because you don’t want support, but because asking feels too vulnerable and too likely to lead to disappointment, because no one else can do what you do.

The Hidden Emotional Labor of Keeping It All Together

For many high-functioning women (especially in caretaking roles), asking for help takes too much effort and risks the possibility that things won’t get done, or won’t get done well. If you ask your husband to help get the kids ready in the morning, your daughter walks out the door with knots in her hair and a Superman cape on. If you don’t lead the meeting yourself, important notes will be left out, and you risk disappointing your boss or the client.

You’ve likely spent years—if not decades—being the one who holds things down. The reliable one. The responsible one. The one others come to.

You enjoy being the dependable one and the one people can trust, but it can also be lonely and frustrating at times, and lead you to resenting taking on too much of the burden at home or at work. You struggle to keep up with the mental load of motherhood and thriving in your career at the same time (though let’s face it, you care less about “thriving” at this point and more about surviving so you can be the mom you want to be).

Over time, struggling to ask for help and keep everything running smoothly all by yourself creates a quiet kind of emotional burnout. You might:

• Resent that no one offers to help—but avoid asking because you don’t trust they’ll follow through

• Feel more comfortable giving than receiving

• Downplay your own struggles, then feel hurt when others don’t notice

• Think: If I have to spell it out, it doesn’t count

You’re not alone in that.

Control as a Form of Protection

Many clients I work with don’t just struggle to ask for help—they may not actually want to need anyone. Needing others has felt risky, unpredictable, or even unsafe in the past.

So instead, you:

• Keep the bar low for others so you don’t feel disappointed

• Avoid naming what you need because it feels safer to do it all yourself

• Feel frustrated that others can’t anticipate or intuit what you’re needing

This isn't about being controlling in the stereotypical sense. It's about self-protection. If you’re in charge, you reduce the chances of being let down.

But the tradeoff? You stay stuck in a loop of feeling unsupported and emotionally alone.

Why It's So Hard to Let People In

Letting others in requires vulnerability. And vulnerability can be terrifying when you:

• Grew up in an environment where your needs were minimized or ignored

• Were rewarded for being self-sufficient and low-maintenance

• Have experienced past disappointments where help was offered but not delivered

• Fear rejection of your request or being made out to be demanding

So even though there’s a longing for someone to show up, there’s also deep skepticism:

Will they really come through? Will they get it? Will I feel worse if I ask and they don’t meet me there?

This inner tension—wanting connection but fearing disappointment—is at the heart of why asking for help can feel so fraught.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy offers a space where you don’t have to keep performing strength. Where you don’t have to manage the emotional tone of the room. Where your needs—spoken or not yet spoken—can be explored, honored, and tended to. You deserve to take up space and be supported, and as a licensed therapist in New York City who often works with highly successful, high-functioning, yet anxious, people-pleasing women, I would be honored to support you on the journey of uncovering what you really need and how to comfortably advocate for yourself.

In therapy, you can:

1. Unpack the Root of the Resistance

Together, we’ll look at where this belief came from—the one that says you have to do everything yourself. We’ll explore the experiences that shaped your relationship to vulnerability, support, and control.

2. Practice Naming Your Needs Safely

It may feel foreign at first, but therapy is a space to practice. You can say what you want, what you feel, and what you’re afraid of—and have it met with warmth, not judgment.

3. Rebuild Trust in Others (and Yourself)

You may not trust that others will show up for you—and therapy doesn’t promise to fix that overnight. But it can offer a slow, steady relationship where you begin to trust your needs are valid. And that you're not too much for having them.

4. Let Go of the "All or Nothing" Mentality

It doesn’t have to be all on you. And it doesn’t have to mean you fall apart, either. Therapy can help you explore what it means to hold onto your strength and let others in—without losing yourself in the process.

If This Sounds Familiar, You’re Not Alone

You don’t have to wait until you’re burned out or in crisis to ask for support. And you don’t have to go through life wondering why it feels so hard to receive help.

Your hesitation makes sense. Your fear of disappointment is valid. And your longing for support is deeply human.

If you're ready to start exploring this in a safe, supportive space, therapy can help.